You hit on me. You hit on everyone. You pour gallons of lightning punch into a trash bag, promising that sobriety is just a 2 A.M. Waffle House away. You are always under construction. The earth shall be inherited by your trucks. Every semester brings new commandments Your blackboards are…
in which my nighttime teeth grinding makes a tumultuous return
Being stressed out all of the time is really stressing me out.
I know this is the commonplace complaint of my generation, but it’s not going to stop me from saying this: I want a job that means something.
Let me back up a second. I already have this kind of job, but I went into it knowing it’d be three months and three months only. So come mid to late August, I’m done with my amazing job. I’m heartsick over this forced breakup between me and my beloved editorial internship. I have learned so much stuff from this internship. I’m so lucky! My skill level has risen tremendously since my first day. And I’m ready to show off these shiny, polished professional skills of mine, but it seems like no one is really willing to have to me (yet), and it’s getting down to crunch time. It’s literally time to decide to go big or go home.
I could afford another month out here, but my roommate’s got a replacement for me Sept 1st. So what do I do? Pay to put my stuff in storage and sleep on the ground in someone’s apartment or go home and apply to places from home?
I’ve had several people assure me that both options are simply not what I should do. This leaves me grinding my teeth at night and trying not to punch people along my subway commute who look happily employed and well adjusted. I keep hearing from biased parties that I am talented and special, (Dear Said Biased Parties: I wholeheartedly appreciate these compliments and for the love of God, don’t quit with them otherwise my smile will shatter.) but I don’t know how to communicate this in the form of a cover letter. My sparkle and shine come across better in person I think, but getting to the point of an interview seems daunting. Interviews are reserved for people who know people.
I know almost no people. (Except for you, Said Biased Parties. And I love you all to pieces.)
I don’t deserve anything to be handed to me. I know this. I know I need to work at these things. I know I need to feel discouraged and that it’ll make me more determined (or something). But frankly, after all of the apps I’ve turned in and apps I’m continuing to work on, I get a lump in the back of my throat when I hear about anyone else who’s applying for jobs in my area because the self confidence I had seven seconds before they mentioned needing a job flew out the window and I’m ready with approximately 539 reasons why they’d be better at what I want to do than me.
This is no way to go about things. But it’s the only way I’ve got right now.
“‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless, it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.’”—Louis C.K. (via precipice)
“You’re an expatriate. You’ve lost touch with the soil. You get precious. Fake European standards have ruined you. You drink yourself to death. You become obsessed with sex. You spend all your time talking, not working. You are an expatriate, see? You hang around cafes.”
“And you smile as you ease the gun from hand and I’m frozen with joy right where I stand. The world throws its light underneath your hair. Forty miles from Atlanta, this is nowhere.”— The Mountain Goats, “Going to Georgia”
“If I could just leave my body for the night:
Then we could be dancing
No more missing you while I’m gone
There we could be dancing
And you’d smile and say, “I like this song”
And when our eyes will meet there
We will recognize nothing’s wrong
And I wouldn’t feel so selfish
I won’t be this way very long”—Animal Collective, “In the Flowers”
“That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever lived, lived out their lives. The aggregate of all our joys and sufferings, thousands of confident religions, ideologies and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilizations, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every hopeful child, every mother and father, every inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every superstar, every supreme leader, every saint and sinner in the history of our species, lived there on a mote of dust, suspended in a sunbeam.”—Carl Sagan